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By  Thandiwe Shea

Chagrined, brooding, crestfallen, bleak
All these emotions, I am agonized
Coerced to X-out my unborn baby
I fell to my knees, clutching my head in despair
Excruciating, ineffable, hoarse, staid
Pain became unbearable
Tears welled up in my eyes and began rolling down
my cheeks like rivulets
I tried to stop them, but they were refractory

20 weeks
“Her body had grown bigger,
Her head and body are more in proportion,
She weighs about 10 ½ ounces now
She is also 6 ½ inches long from head to bottom
And about 10 inches from head to heal…”
The nurse had explained in elation
The thought of holding her made my eyes glitter with tears of joy
Little was that just Evanescent, Ephemeral
Sighs!!!

I chided feebly, deplorably
But illegitimacy is untenable in my culture
I had to acquiesce
Now the pain was cumulative
It developed into angst, malaise and lassitude
Overcame with all senses of weakness, decrepit
I lost balance and fell down in swoon

I woke up the following morning
The nurse delivered the news
My baby is stillborn
Mother Nature has taken its cause
I broke down in tears
Until my voice was no longer audible
Something in me died
I died alive
I am dead but still alive